Tonight is another night of crash and burn… rumbling, tumbling — face caved in by the crunching of bone meeting the cold hard wall of reality on a lonely stage on the other side of a golden gate… and the vision in my head, my heart and my soul is unreachable at this stage in the game as yet another ponderous session of stand-up meets the silent, expectant stares of other comics, their friends and other stragglers that happen upon the Rockit Room on a Tuesday night.

And I’ve got to really wonder what the fuck I am doing.

Maybe I just don’t have the time right now to be pursuing this kind of… pursuit. Maybe I’m just not funny; or worse yet – not talented. Not the kind of funny talent that one can bank on.

Anguish without hope is a deep pit to fall into indeed…

This weekend, Saturday, there is a coffee expo in Berkeley. There is also a pinball expo in Marin. Is it okay to be grateful for something in the future? I suppose it is as “okay” as it is to be grateful for the things of the past—and let’s face it; living in the now is nearly impossible…

I love this scene from the film Tommy. “Tommy” has lost everything… having suffered “blind”, “deaf” and “dumb” throughout his life, Tommy has an enlightened experience and attempts to share it with everyone else. He asks people to emulate his life experience and thus achieve enlightenment. At first there is great success, but then the people revolt and it all comes crashing down.

Tommy is left with nothing; even loved ones killed in the bloody revolution that ensues.

The song/scene ends with Tommy atop a cliff—looking out to a wondrous sunrise… it is as though the Spirit of Tommy goes back the original enlightenment, unattached to the temporary aspects of this planet… and rediscovers his purity and joy.

Thank God for coffee and pinball.