Today, at least as I write in this moment – which I am cramming in before heading to bed – I find that I am very grateful for my son. There is a feeling inside my that I get only from thoughts of him… it is tender and melancholy. It speaks of dreams before a life lived and dreams that never came true as one looks back on a life lived. One, the perspective of a son – one, the perspective of a father.
And, more then anything, it is a feeling of love.
This is interesting to me because my son was born at home. And he came fast so our midwife had just enough time to get to our house after being called – her assistant didn’t make it to the birth. Anyway, I held my son only moments from birth; minutes at the most. When I did, a feeling of anger welled up from the pit of me, rising to my cranium where it formed into consciousness… Not the storybook feeling one expects from one’s son’s birth.
Well, I gave it a lot of thought and perhaps a couple of weeks later I had some good hypothesis for the experience which I still hold to be true today. (If you’re interested in them, email me. I’m happy to share.)
So, today, being grateful for my son and the love I know for him – regardless of whatever life lessons our relationship holds for me – is something I am grateful for. Because knowing the love I feel for him, and knowing him, is one more great reason to keep on with things… And you know, it don’t come easy… all the time. 🙂